Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Twilight Hater?

Someone sent me this article and I loved it so much I had to post it. Please don't hate me for my critical opinion of the Twilight series. I read every book with the same appetite as the rest of you, and I will see every movie. I enjoy the hype. I would even wear a T-shirt (as long as it said TEAM JACOB.) However, I also have enjoyed the criticism, and if you look way down deep into the depths of your heart you will agree with lots of what this crazy "hater" author has to say. You might even find a chuckle or two, like I did. Enjoy!!

From a male point of view, the only redeeming feature of the Twilight books and movies is the ammunition they provide against female claims of innate moral superiority over men.
Whenever a woman criticizes a man’s lust, aggression, shallowness or any other lesser angel of his personality, the quick-witted fellow can point to the millions of women addicted to the base, insipid, bad-boy-worshiping, misogynist syrup so many female viewers of all ages knelt to this past weekend, when The Twilight Saga: New Moon raked in $147 million at the box office, setting several records.
In the spirit of speaking truth to diamond-skinned power, enjoy this list of unfortunate lessons girls learn from Twilight.

(The list operates under the principle that any grownup female who embraces Twilight’s junior-high dreck temporarily sacrifices her “woman card.”)

And so, with an insincere “love is forever,” we begin.

1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores you or is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with you — and you are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells you to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. You should stay with him since he will keep you safe forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling you he will never see you again), it is because he loves you so much he will suffer just to keep you safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as you keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave you always come back.
9. Because they come back, you should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy you something.
11. You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while you run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what you must do.
13. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.
14. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you “fell down the steps” because you are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if you sacrifice everything you are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills or emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When writing a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. Vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.

Since the writer of this piece is clearly not female, the list came together only after discussing Twilight at length with women who enjoyed and detested the book and the first two movies.

Come on now...you laughed. Chuckled? At least nodded in agreement? O.K. so I apologize for offending...I LOVE TWILIGHT. Really!! I do!!(I also still have my "woman card!")

6 comments:

The Mighty Yam said...

Amen to this article. I will definitely let my daughter read these books and see the movies and I'll be sure she understands the important lesson 21, that her love for another guy is legitimate, enduring and acceptable despite being based on shared pessimism and physical attractions as long as she can relentlessly describe those sticky pudding emotions over and over for hundreds of pages in her journal.

Dawn Davis said...

that is hilarious!! I really do love Twilight too, but I am definitely not a fanatic! Thanks for the chuckle, I needed it!

Andrea (the Mom) said...

ok... this is michael talkin here. This dude is funny because he is tellin the truth. And you know its true. We were all thinkin it... he was just the brave one to say it out loud!!!

erica said...

amen. and I really didn't love the 2 I read (some of the first one). I just nodded in appreciation, especially when he noted that much of the story was brazenly taken from literature.

Life Travels with the Parental Units said...

Now lets not be too hard on this movie - you could make the sqme list for a lot of guy flicks - like dynamite solves everything - everything will get over and there will be no consequenses - I can drive and do all sorts of things and never watch the road - it is not just Moon Light - almost every movie teaches unreality. Gosh, am I being too heavy here.

out numbered said...

I love this!! I am a Twilight hater/liker. I did read them all and though I enjoyed them this could not be said any better. I totally laughed! Thanks for sharing. I am going to have to pass this on...By the way, I am totally Team Jacob and I agree with the parental units...guy movies are just as bad, however blowing things up is a lot more entertaining!