How to Talk to a Military Spouse During Deployments

I have been talking to my "military wife" friends recently. We have determined that people aren't sure how to speak to us or offer support and comfort, especially during deployments. With a little help from my friends I have come up with a few do's and don'ts when speaking with military wives with deployed spouses.

PLEASE...

Don't say to me..."At least he is only gone for 90 days."
At least? At least? That is 14 Sacrament Meetings that I have to do alone. It's 21 soccer games and 8 school parties. It's 3 school performances and 4 awards assemblies. It's approximately 200 loads of laundry. Seriously, how can anyone say to me "at least." 90 days may not be 13 months, and I am aware of my good fortune, however "at least it's only 90 days" brings me NO comfort and trivializes my challenges.

Do say to me..."You are amazing to be able to manage your family's life for 90 days on your own. It must be difficult and I think you are super and incredible."

Don't say to me..."You are so lucky..."
I have heard "You are so lucky to get rid of your man for a bit," "You are so lucky to get extra pay," "You are so lucky he is safe on a base," "You are so lucky you have such great kids to help at home." Once again, I am aware of my good fortune. I really am grateful and I suppose in some ways I am very lucky. However, my husband is my best friend, my help-mate, my confidant...and even when I am irritated with his man-ness I NEVER want him away from me for longer than an hour or two. My husband is in a foreign country, surrounded by death and destruction, regardless of the base he is on and no amount of money is worth the risk. And finally, I do have wonderful children but they are still children and not all that helpful, I mean not one of them can drive, so seriously, what good are they?

Do say to me..."You are amazing to be able to manage your family's life for 90 days on your own. It must be difficult and I think you are super and incredible. Here's a donut!"

Don't say to me..."I know how you feel."
My husband's deployment is not the same as a business trip. Don't pretend to understand my situation because your husband was gone for 10 days last fall. I can be empathetic but really...it's not the same thing, unless of course, your husband was surrounded by an angry, American-hating, armed militia...then compare all you want!!

Do say to me..."You are amazing to be able to manage your family's life for 90 days on your own. I had a short taste of my husband being gone and it was difficult. I think you are super and incredible. Here's a donut and warm brownies!"

Don't say to me..."Call me if there is anything I can do for you."
I appreciate any love and concern, I really do...but I am to prideful to ask for help. It's sinful I know, but it is ingrained in our military culture. We are taught to "be strong, be proud and keep the home fires burning"...or something along those lines. If you really really are serious about helping me out, just do it. I love "swooshers." (Get it, Just Do It-Swoosh...shwooshers...whatever...it works for me.) People just show up with dinner or pick up my kids for a play date or call and say, "We are going to the movies!" I also love swooshers who just call to talk. I don't have tons of opportunity to have adult talk and I love it...I need it.
*I have to add a small note here that unannounced visitors should be discouraged, as my house will not be clean enough for company for 90 days!

Do say to me..."You are amazing to be able to manage your family's life for 90 days on you own. It must be difficult. I think you are super and incredible. Here's a donut, warm brownies, a casserole and your kids are coming over to my house while we go out together for a pedicure. Oh, and did I mention that my husband will clean out your gutters while we are out!"

Don't say to me..."Hang in there!"
Honestly, I haven't really seen another option so...it goes without saying!

Do say to me..."You are amazing to be able to manage your family's life for 90 days on you own. It must be difficult. I think you are super and incredible. Here's a donut, warm brownies, a casserole and your kids are coming over to my house while we go out together for a pedicure. Oh, and did I mention that my husband will clean out your gutters while we are out and also talk to your teenage boys about the dangers of porn."

This is starting to sound a little bratty. I am fully aware that people love my family and really do care and want to help me anyway they can. I am just trying to give some simple advice.

A military wife always needs:
*a welcoming smile
*a hello or a hug
*a new author to read
*names of babysitters
*a blessing
*a dinner invite
*a reason to get out of the house
*a laugh
*husband praise
*lots and lots of prayers
*and of course donuts and brownies