The Pain Scale

I took my oldest to the doctor yesterday for a sore back and neck. He really has been complaining for a long time about it...about a month...so, according to my personal instruction manual entitled 'How to be a Middle of the Road Mother' and in keeping with my history of letting my children suffer with injuries before taking them to the doctor I took him yesterday.

During the exam the doctor asked him what his pain level was, on average throughout the day, on a scale of 1, being almost no pain to 10, being the worst pain ever experienced. He said 7. SEVEN!!?? 7??? Seriously?? Seven??!!

I almost punched him in front of the doctor. I don't punch my kids on a regular basis or anything but SEVEN?!! Instead I said, "Seven? Are you serious? Dude, you are nuts. Be real." The doctor actually gave me a warning stare. GULP! But COME ON...

Seven on the pain scale should be reserved for pain associated with decapitated limbs, large muscle tears, full body burns and an occasional dislocation.

This is the way my pain scale works:

#10 is reserved for the pain of the thigh bone break. Everyone says it's the most excrutiating pain known to man so I have reserved 10 for that possibility.

#9 is reserved for the pain of childbirth...also kidney stones. I hear kidney stones are pretty bad. I am not exactly sure how passing a pebble and passing an 8 lb. squirmer constitute the same number on the pain scale. I think someone was just trying to make a man feel better about his screaming and fussing but, hey...I am bowing to experience. The 8 lb. squirmer on the other hand...yeah, I am a pro.

#8 is reserved for the pain of organ implosion, like gall bladder attacks and apendicitis. I suffered from gall stones and then multiple gall bladder attacks and inevitably a gall bladder-ectomy. I will tell you...definitely an 8. Owwwwch!!

So, that brings us to #7. I am sure that some back pain is a 7. My father in law has had severe back pain, that possibly even constitutes an 8 or 9. However, I don't feel like an injury or condition warrants a 7 unless it greatly limits your normal activity...like a skull fracture or a full knee hyper-extension.

My son has not been impaired at all. He still goes to school, runs, body boards, swims, plays soccer, jumps on the trampoline, ice blocks and makes out with girls. His back is not inhibiting his activity in any way. Is it sore? Sure. Does he complain about it? Sure. Does it stop him? Not even a little bit.

So now the doctor has given me a new manual entitled 'You Are the Crappiest Mother on the Planet' and given my son muscle relaxers that make him drowsy and happy.

Maybe the kid is on to something...actually, I need to go now. My back is feeling super sore. Infact, it may actually be a seven7. I need to make a doctors appointment!!